Jealousy: Friends of the opposite sex

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Dear Guys,

My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for many years off and on. This time around (which is the last time) we are both making the effort and planning towards marriage.  A tentative date is set (2012) but no ring yet.  It is my belief that it’s not official until a ring is on my finger.

Now to my question.  What should I think about him when he thinks I’ve slept with every one of my guy friends? And he does not believe me when I say that I have not.  Actually, I have not.  As I said before, we have been together for many years.  This is the first time he has ever questioned my faithfulness or truthfulness.  He said he is willing to work through this with me but I believe this is an attack on my character to the highest point.  From my perspective, I have done nothing with other men while with him.  Even my regular guy friends he is confident that I have f*** them!

What should I make of this?

Diane

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Hi Diane,

Thanks for writing to us.

The fact that he doesn’t trust you is a problem, and a big red flag. Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship, and if it’s not there you have to figure out why it isn’t, or what happened to it, and try to inject it back into your relationship.

Maybe your man has always been this way and you just didn’t notice it; and now his insecurities are getting the best of him. If this is true, he’s unlikely to change. If not, and this is truly new behavior on his part, you need to figure out why he’s started to feel and act this way.

Is there a reason he all of a sudden thinks you’ve slept with your friends? You say you’ve never done anything, so why is he so jealous? Like we said, if he really has always been this way, but you’re just noticing it now, or it’s just starting to bother you now, then it’s a real problem. But if something happened that is now causing him to be suspicious of you, please get to the bottom of it. Talk to him. Find out what’s really going on.

Some thoughts about friends of the opposite sex for all readers.

Having friends of the opposite sex is fine, but you have to tread carefully. Going out on the town, or to bars, or to dinner, or doing things that typically you’d do with your spouse or boyfriend is not really okay. Also having close emotional bonds with other men(for women), and women(for men) can also be a problem; like having a friend of the opposite sex you confide in, and talk to about things you can’t or won’t talk to your boyfriend or girlfriend about. Some women-and men-think this is okay, but the best test is the reversal test. How would you feel if your partner was confiding in one of their friends, and talking about your relationship, or talking intimately with some other person and not you? It’s likely you wouldn’t like it so much.

We’re absolutely not saying being in a relationship should restrict a person from having friends of the opposite sex, but we are saying, always be respectful and consider your partner’s feelings. And ask yourself, is your behavior truly being respectful of your partner?

You don’t give us enough information Diane, but the man in your life should feel like he’s the most important person in your life, and he should make you feel the same way. Neither of you should have to compete with each others friends.

However, if you can’t think of any good reason that he might be jealous, then this could potentially be an issue for both of you. Without trust, relationships eventually fall apart.

Good luck to both of you.

THE GUYS

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